NOTE: I wrote this humor piece on Monday March 12, 2018, and published it on my website www.myvinylcountdown.com Tuesday morning. Hawking died Wednesday, March 14 (on Albert Einstein’s birthday. Wink wink.) RIP Stephen. I hope you now know the answers to the questions you’ve been seeking.
My blog post:
Perusing my news sources on the Internet, I came across this headline.
Stephen Hawking reveals what existed before the Big Bang
Finally, I thought.
Reading …Oops wow, there it is in the second sentence. The answer the headline promised us. What existed before the Big Bang:
Stephen Hawking says: Nothing.
Nothing? Nothing existed before the Big Bang. Really?
Clickbait headline for sure.
What is nothing? Nothing is something, right? At least in my mind. If nothing was not something, why would there be a name for it? And why would we say ‘nothing’ is what was there before something? To ‘be there’, one would surmise that it’s something.
The story on Inhabitat.com was short but did offer the famed quantum physicist Hawking explaining a bit further. So Hawking goes on to explain that “The Euclidean space-time is a closed surface without end like the surface of the Earth.”
He was, of course, referring to the four-dimensional conceptual model that incorporates the three dimensions of space with time. He goes through a few more quantum physics hijinx like ‘imaginary’ and ‘real’ time before concluding that:
“There is nothing south of the South Pole so there was nothing around before the Big Bang.”
Apparently this was a widely reported interview. Did you hear the collective expression: ‘Oh, now I get it.’
Neither did I.
Come on Hawking. Use your words to explain — not alienate. (Which literally means communicate with aliens).
What if I wrote a story about the news business and how social platforms are shaping the future of social engagement including virtual reality and messaging apps in order to better monetize content. Don’t like that I bet.
So back to your answer. Nothing.
And your follow-up explanation which I boil down to that last sentence: There is nothing south of the South Pole so there was nothing around before the Big Bang.”
Ok, I don’t want to mess your theory up but did it surprise you there is nothing south of the South Pole?
Stephen, it’s cold.
I’m sure there’s not much north of the North Pole either, no?
Confused? Me, too.
So that’s why I decided to call Bert Einstein, third cousin, twice removed from Albert, the world famous scientist who discovered the equation for the theory of relativity, E=MC squared.
Bert, an accomplished scientist in his own right, discovered the equation for the theory of relatives at Thanksgiving: E=MYaSS, which asserts that the mass of any given relative’s rear end will grow proportional to the length of the buffet line, number of desserts, energy not expended and length of stay (LOS).
(It’s a complicated formula that also incorporates family squabble intensity and gravy.)
So, here’s how my conversation with Bert Einstein went.
ME: Good morning Dr. Einstein. We were hoping today you would sit down and talk about some big physics like your relative Albert pioneered.
BERT: Yes, yes, Albert had some good ideas. But he was dumber than a box full of hammers when it came to common sense. Never owned a hairbrush you know.
ME: OK, Bert, what about this whole Big Bang and what existed before the Big Bang. Scientist Hawking says there was nothing before the big bang, indicating a beginning and end to our universe. But we wanted to see if perhaps you heard Albert discussing this particular question at any time.
BERT: Oh Albert knew all about what existed before the Big Bang. He just never really got around to putting it on paper. You know Albert had 300 socks and none of them matched? He’d spend hours looking for a matching sock.
ME: Really? Forget the socks. Are you saying he knew about what preceded the Big Bang but never wrote it down? This is a big deal. What did he say was there before the Big Bang?
BERT: Well, let me see if I can remember exactly. He said that before the Big Bang there was ‘nothing’ and ‘something’ and ‘everything.’
ME: Wait, wait a minute. He said there was nothing AND something AND everything? How can that be?
BERT: Well it’s a pretty goddamn big universe. Whaddya expect there to be, a mustard seed?
ME: Well, I guess I still don’t see how something can come from nothing or how there can be everything and nothing.
BERT: That’s why they were all there before the Big Bang, something, nothing and everything.
ME: All where? Where were they?
BERT: Here. And elsewhere.
ME: Your not helping. I got nothing here.
BERT: Well that’s something.
ME: I want everything. I want to know.
BERT: Well, I’ll leave you with this. It’s a circle. God or the universe or the cosmos, it’s a circle. There’s no beginning or end.
ME: Oh. Well, now that makes some sense. Did Albert say that?
BERT: No I did, after watching Albert all the years doing laundry. No beginning, no ending. Laundry’s never done.
ME: Well, Bert, you’ve been a big help.
BERT: De Nada
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