Here we go:
When I make up my mind to do something, then by golly, I may do it.
We all need to hurry up and slow down.
Buy LOW, sell HIGH? Dang. All these years I had it backwards.
Is it redundant to say ‘pain hurts?’
Is it redundant to ask if something is redundant when you know already it’s redundant?
How come bald men can grow beards?
True fact: The person who invented scrambled eggs did it by accident.
They say everybody bleeds red. But that’s anecdotal evidence.
You know ‘misspell’ is one of the most mispelled words.
You know I still get blown away by this fact: Fish breathe underwater.
Is there anything harder than forgiving yourself?
Why I think dolphins are smarter than humans? Dolphins don’t try to blow each other up.
So the smart folks say there’s more stars in the sky then there are grains of sand on the beach. But they forget there are endless beaches on endless planets in endless solar systems. Whenever you think you’re finished counting, there’s another beach full of sand to count. So, I’ll call it a tie.
If God is a woman, well wow, talk about shattering the glass ceiling.
Can you believe popcorn was invented before the microwave?
What if Father Time and Mother Earth switched jobs? Mom would enforce bedtime curfews and dad would mow the world.
‘Let it Be Me’ was a good song, ‘Let it Be’ was a great song, I can’t wait for ‘Let It.’
Hey Johnny Cash, I shot a man in Reno then ran like hell.
I always thought healthy was two words – heal thy.
Hey Johnny Cash, I hugged a man in Reno just to see the expression on his face.
Hey Johnny Paycheck, take this job and try to keep it, you know you need a paycheck, Paycheck.
Anybody ever wrapped a cell phone in cellophane?
Is life practice? Or the game.
If life is a game how do you know if you won?
The Bible in Acts says ‘your old men will dream dreams.’ Dream dreams? Is that redundant?
Why do we have toenails?
I said it once and I’ll say it again. Soon as I remember.
Do you ever look into somebody’s eyes and get the notion that they know you are secretly a Cowsills fan and that because of that they think you are weird but they don’t say anything, they just look into your eyes? I don’t either.
Wow, did you know the chance of monkeys typing the complete works of Shakespeare is really low but eventually, if given infinite time, they will do it? That’s according to the ‘infinite monkey theorem.’ Not sure how long I have, but I’d appreciate it if they could knock out a few columns for me before tackling Shakespeare.
I sure hope the blue moon of Kentucky keeps on shining.
Lust seems so naughty.
What’s up with trial and error? How about no trial and get it right the first time. Sheeeez.
A regular columnist at AL.com, Mike Oliver can be reached at moliver@al.com. He chronicles his degenerative brain disease here and on his blog www.myvinylcountdown
This column is dedicated to Emily, my middle daughter, who as a youngster used to sit around with me and laugh as we tossed off all the Yogi Berra sayings we could find (and then make up our own). We finally came to a fork in the road, and, of course, picked it up.