I went to work today really feeling it. Nope not in a good way. I was stiff and sore, not unlike most mornings, and not unlike many people in their late 50s.
But I was extra sore.
And I had some other problems that I won’t go into detail about. Let’s just say gastrointestinal, which is what people say when they don’t want to go into detail about it.
As I talk to more and more people, they seem sincere in their inquiries about what I feel like, um, maybe not so much the GI stuff. You may remember, I did a whole post about saying I was fine.
Well, i’m still fine, the good fine, and sometimes the bad fine — Feeling Insecure Nervous and Emotional.
Today was, I have to say, the acronym FINE.
So, I’m taking some time to do some pondering. Hope you will ponder with me.
The big question I sense people having but may be too polite to ask: What’s going on inside my head? After all I have an oversupply of proteins in my head, is killing my neurons (my mind). What’s going on in my head from the perception of someone’s whose head it is happening to.
I write this on a Monday under the threat of severe weather, including tornadoes.
I spent a lot of time on the road in 2011 talking to victims of one of the most explosive tornado outbreaks of all time. I spent nearly a year covering everything from search and rescue to funding issues to FEMA, most importantly stories of the people.
An aside: If you want to sit down for a nice spell and read about the April 27 event, here’s something I wrote on the first anniversary. If you get to the bottom of that one and want more, click the link to Part 2.
I wrote a lot after talking to people in Hackleburg, Pleasant Grove, Joppa, Pratt City, Smithfield Estates, Rainsville, and many other small and larger communities. There was something like 340-plus killed across several states, with the most (more than 240) in Alabama.
In my interviews that question was always in my mind: ‘What’s going on inside your head?’ How are you going to cope with the total annihilation of everything you own, or the loss of loved ones?”
I’m not sure I was that direct in asking the questions but I believe I found the answers: in the sound of bulldozers, funeral processions, hammer on wood. and chainsaws. The rescue personnel, again from here and out of state.
That was the answer. But as those, who follow my blog know, I keep looking for bigger, different answers as well. What is our purpose? Why is there such suffering in the world?
Is it like what T Bone Burnett sings in the song, ‘Trap Door?’
You’ve got to suffer to know compassion
You can’t want nothing if you want satisfaction
What’s going on inside your head Mike?
Today wasn’t the best day as noted earlier. My brain function feels sluggish. My head is buzzing a bit, which it is prone to do. My memory is fair. I’m shuffling when I walk. My basketball game? Not good at all.
It’s happened before and it will pass.
As long as I am chronicling this. I often get what feels like a low-tiered burning sensation on the right side surface of my ever-growing belly. I’ve kind of written it off as my skin reacting–stretching — to accommodate my new size. (Which, I am working to get off — about 20 lbs.)
I had fallen to one basketball game a week and am now back at 2 a week. Progress. My diet needs to get better. I have so many tips on diets, it’s like I blend them together and pretty soon I’m eating more, not less. (Thanks for the lemon meringue pastry Chez Fon Fon, dessert after eating what appeared to be a half-pound burger). So good. So not so good for me right now. (Of course, my internal argument spurred on by my remaining neurons is this: ‘You want some meringue pastry lavished with whipped cream, you should get it.’ I am quite susceptible to that argument.
Catherine took me to the Southside restaurant for my memorial ‘Porter Heatherly’ birthday on March 9. See my post
So what’s inside my head? Fear.
Not going to lie.
Fear of leaving my grown-up children, Hannnah, Emily and Claire, my super supportive wife, Catherine, my siblings Julie and David, my parents, friends. Gus my dog. Nieces nephews. Inlaws, outlaws. The Earth!
There is fear, fear of losing.
Tornado victims can lose it all in a moment. Lewy body dementia takes it all away bit by bit.
At least I have the bits. And pieces. I am thankful for that.
I’m looking outside as I wrap this up. It’s still clear and pleasant outside. No sign of bad weather here in Birmingham. Good weather for now to be under it.
Prayers that all remain safe tonight.
Relationships are fragile I once wrote. Life is fragile too.
What’s in my head right now? No, wait, what’s in my heart?
A movement. A movement toward: Peace.